Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
That de-escalated quickly
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.