[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.