If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?