I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Sunday
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.