Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX