Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
You Might Also Like
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I wish I were this cool 😂
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee