I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C