When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.