My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
happy mother’s day❤️
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
getting corrected
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.