my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
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There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies