My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
#Caturday
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works