My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I am patiently waiting for your email
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Remember folks 😂
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.