Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
You Might Also Like
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
They’re on their honeymoon
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.