Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
How to make infinite energy.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
#Thanos #MondayMood
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot