[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants