Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password