Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”