In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You Might Also Like
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider