A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”