I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The Backseat Boys
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*