Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
He’s cranky this morning
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant