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When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I can’t stop watching this.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.