Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”