Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
#Caturday
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?