I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
A woman drives into a bar.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*