Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Cinematography is my passion
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword