when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Who says great literature is dead?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back