A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out