*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.