Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you