I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord