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That eye roll….
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks