millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
You Might Also Like
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
this came to me in a vision
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?