The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
You Might Also Like
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying