Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
some cats are just doing for fun!
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans