Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Who called it baking and not making love
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.