How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.