waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
#Caturday
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂