” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged