To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it