After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad