some cats are just doing for fun!
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood