the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
thank god the sign was there
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.