Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
From my Mom
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on