The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease