SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You Might Also Like
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
hmmm
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.