Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.