thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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