911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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Clients after you give them your rates
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
the answer was staring at me all along
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy