Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story